Let me just cut to the chase… we’ve been trying for a child. There are so many pros to babies, and so very little cons. And, ugh they’re just so amazing, and Xander is my favorite person, and the love I hold for him, is unmatchable. I want another. Craig wants a baby as well. For a lot of the same reasons, and for another one that seemed very mormony to say ... to multiply and replenish. We’ve not been trying very long...however it feels like ages. So, suffice it to say, when I finally got a (few) pregnancy sticks to finally say “YES” I was ecstatic. I was crying and recording myself, because I knew I wanted to keep it a secret from Craig. Because I wanted to surprise him. It was 8 days until his birthday and I wanted to wait til then, but I am one of those people who struggle to keep happy secrets. I want to tell anyone and everyone their presents long before the holiday required to bequeath such a gift. I knew I couldn’t last long. 24 hours later, I went and put together a gift and wrote a meaningful card expressing my excitement for him becoming a father, and for our family to be growing, and I presented him with the gift. A book, Dude You’re Going to be a Dad. I was hoping for any sign of happiness from the news. Obviously, with trying we both knew it’d be a happy thing, but for me to finally tell him, it still felt like a surprise. Anyway, I told him, and he was excited! It was cute… he started reading the book and researching things right away. That’s how he shows his excitement. If we get a new electronic, he’s reading the manual making sure he knows every little thing. Research.
That happiness didn’t last. Well, that excitement lasted for about 48 hours. 36 hours after I told him,I started to get cramps. 2 nights later, I started to bleed. That night, I took a test to see if it was just a fluke, and I got a very faded, 2 lines showing pregnant. The next day, it was a “NO”. The bleeding increased, the cramps stayed, and I bled for days. A heavy flow with a few clots here and there. I know, this is a lot of information, but I find it important for me to process everything. It sucks, it’s gross, but it’s very real. As soon as I got that “NO” my heart shattered. I started crying, and knew it wasn’t just a period that sometimes happens in early pregnancy, but a miscarriage. We had 2 days, me 3, of pure excitement, and then all of a sudden, it was torn away from us. With no real explanation. “Chemical Miscarriage”. Craig didn’t understand at first. I was crying, saying I was bleeding, and he didn’t get it. I didn't know he didn’t get it until 12 hours after I had started to miscarry, that I muttered the word, miscarriage. And he questioned me.. “Are you sure?” I instantly got furious, and asked, “Are you asking me if I’m making this up?” He quietly said no, he just didn’t understand. I stepped back, and said, “I’m glad you’re making sure you comprehend, I’m sorry. Thank you for clarifying.” My hormones were clearly already in a frenzied state.
I quickly texted my boss, asked for time off, and resumed crying. I cried and stayed in bed for a good 2 days. That’s a long time for me. I usually love leaving my house at least once a day, or talking to people, or going to work etc.. but this I didn’t want to see anyone. My body crashed, and I had a hard time moving physically. It exhausted me more than a normal period. It was horrible. By day 3 I was able to move and I even was able to leave the house for a little bit, I couldn’t do much more than that, Craig had to drive, and all I could do was be as inactive as possible… but I was able to leave. When I returned home, I was exhausted. I didn’t even do much. I was pretty pathetic and sad about it. Day 4 I was able to run an errand. I went to walmart, to grab some medicine and a sword Xander had been asking for. Up until this point, I was able to keep this information from Xander.. But right on this walmart trip, in the car, we started discussing it. He had asked me why he had been asked to do so much for me lately, and I explained so he didn’t think I was just being lazy. I felt bad. I had to rely on Craig and Xander so much to get me drinks, or food, or tissue, or whatever I could ask them to do before using the very little energy I had to do it myself. It’s interesting, I think I always knew these kinds of things would be hard physically…but this cemented that idea. Emotionally, at first I was sad. Then I jumped to anger, and back to sad. There was one moment where I went and bought more pregnancy tests, as I had used them all up, and went through 3 of them, and they all confirmed the loss of baby, which was my denial stage, but my loss, was very real to me.
Enough about that, and more about this. This loss for us, was different. We both dealt with the emotions in very different ways. Craig being more reserved and quiet… and me being very very sad and angry. At one point, Craig tried to talk to me about the afterlife,and this is were my atheism and his Mormonism come into conflict. He started to say that in the afterlife, he’d be reunited with baby, and that he believes I will as well, and that we will all be a family. Well, I shut him off very quickly. I knew his line of thinking, and didn’t want to discuss it. I knew he thought we’d see baby again, and I knew I didn’t think I’d ever get that chance. I didn’t even know if I wanted to. Wouldn’t that break me all over again? What if this loss was my fault somehow? Why would I want to meet the baby I failed? This line of thinking was not going to help me feel better. BUT, it did him. And for that I am grateful. Somehow he was able to find comfort in that, and prayed. I, recovered physically, stopped my massive bleeding, and was able to heal. But I'm still sad, and angry. I had something I was so happy for, something we’d been trying for for so long, and then got it, for a mere 3 days, for it to just end, and reverse itself so quickly. I am devastated. Talking to Xander was so hard. He just was curious, and empathetic.. But more interested in the scientific side of this. I was more emotional. And answering those questions, over and over again, and to the doctor, it tore me apart. I asked the doctor to quickly put me on some fertility drug so I could not fail again, and he told me to try a fertility doctor. I was so mad. I just went through an entire questioning session for nothing? Why did I have to do that? Why should I pay 2 doctors for this crap? I was so discouraged, I stopped functioning for another 2 days, and I started to take it out on my husband. Just by being annoyed by every little thing, or by being sensitive randomly. My hormones are still honestly evening out, and it’s been 10 days. Right now I’m in plannning mode. I want being pregnant to happen again, but I’m terrified it’ll end in another miscarriage. I want a guarantee. It’s so hard to not believe in the afterlife for this. I want to say sorry to baby. I want to hold it. I want to love it. I feel so bad my body rejected it so quickly. But, i’m so very grateful my body took care of it quickly. I hope something was wrong, and it was fixing it so I didn’t have to go through a very different heartache, and not that I did something wrong.
I am hopeful. I hope it’ll happen again, and soon. I’m very scared of miscarrying. I’ve been doing a lot of research and I really hope that the stats are true and that it’s not very common to continue to miscarry, and that women are able to go on and have a healthy pregnancy after a misscarriage. I am hopeful that Craig can meet baby, and apologize for me. But, I don’t think I will get that opportunity. I don’t know if I could handle it. The afterlife doesn’t sound ok to me. I really think that when we die.. Nothing happens. Our body stops working.. But that we don’t spiritually have anything happen. I think that’s it. This is our life. We live here, and this is the one chance we get. Craig thinks there are kingdoms to be placed into, with your family. I guess we’ll see.
